Close but no cigar…

Yesterday I spotted a deal on Lowes.com. To avoid shipping charges, I arranged for pick-up at a local store. Paid with my Debit card and everything was hunky-dory.

So far so good.

About an hour later my cellphone rang; it was a nice chap from the store letting me know that my order had been “pulled”.

As Darth Vader would say “Impressive“.

On the way home I decided to stop in and pick the item up. Even though, for once I was on a tight deadline, as I had ordered some food to take home for the posse.

In retrospect, this was a bad idea.

When I approached the customer service desk the chap nearest me was walking away. Initially I thought that this was rude, but I found out that he was the telephone-answering dude and was returning to his post.

About fifteen seconds later he noticed me and asked “Do you have a question?” (personally I prefer “How may I help you?”, but I suppose that I should be grateful that he acknowledged my existence). I told him that I was here to pick up an Internet order. He asked for my phone number and checked it his computer. Since he was seated about twenty feet away I had to shout. I don’t really mind but a little discretion would have been nice. The next customer could be your teenaged daughter…

Anyway, he called out on the PA system and a couple of minutes later a young dude showed up, got his instructions and headed, to my surprise, towards the back of the store…

I waited, and waited, and waited. Finally after what seemed like an age he showed up with a bunch of keys, walked over to a wall-mounted cage at the front of the store and pulled out my order. A couple of minutes later I was on my way, incandescent with fury…

Why so angry? Simple, I placed my order on the Internet because it was fast and convenient. So why on Earth did it take 22 minutes to fulfill a single-item order?

By far the greatest delay was the young dude’s odyssey in search of the keys. Looking at the process from a time-and-motion perspective, the keys to the “internet cage” should be kept at the front desk. If they were elsewhere, they should have been called to the front desk instead of dispatching a runner and wasting fifteen minutes.

Lowes, if you are listening, your ordering process is first-rate, and the follow-up phone call is a brilliant idea, but the in-store execution leaves much to be desired. I get the impression that the stores have not yet caught up with this Internet thingy.

To quote Yoda, “Much training you still need“

The Force is strong with this one…

Review of Eragon

Long ago, in a galaxy land far far away…

It is a period of civil war tyranny. The galaxy land of Alagaesia has been taken over by a Sith Lord Dragon Rider.

Once the Jedi Knights Dragon Riders were the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy land, but they were betrayed from within a rogue Jedi Dragon Rider who betrayed and murdered the rest.

Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, a farm boy named Luke Skywalker Eragon finds himself caught up in his events he cannot control. He finds his Father’s Light Saber a Dragon Egg, and reluctantly at first, becomes a Jedi Dragon Rider.

He is mentored by Obi-Wan Kenobi Brom (played by the highly-acclaimed British Actor Sir Alec Guinness Jeremy Irons), himself a Jedi Master Dragon Rider, who dies in battle saving Luke’s Eragon’s life.

In the climactic scene, Luke Eragon confronts a the rogue Jedi dragon rider named Darth Vader Galbatorix, who has become a dark lord of the Sith King of Alagaesia.

Guided by a recording vision of a Princess named Leia Arya he ventures forth to rescue her. In the climactic battle scene, About two-thirds the way through the movie. Luke Eragon takes out the Death Star Durza, the King’s Sorcerer with a well-placed pair of proton Torpedoes Sword Thrust right in the Thermal Exhaust Port, right below the main port heart. In so doing, he fulfils his destiny as the last Jedi Dragon Rider.

In spite of the numerous Star Wars comparisons, I found this to be a highly enjoyable film, though Ed Speleers (who plays Eragon) is a little wooden at the beginning. He plays the Heroic Dragon Rider far better than the callow farm boy.

Perhaps the best accolades go to the Dragon, Saphira, beautifully voiced by Rachel Weisz who conveys just the right mixture of emotion and feral power (Dragons choose their riders - their bond is so close that if a rider dies, so does the dragon, though the converse is not true) (the moment when she first breathes fire is one of the most triumphant of the entire film.

In the Sequel, the Empire King will surely strike back.

Now Reading: On Intelligence, by Jeff Hawkins

We, the people…

…are getting tired of being gang-raped by the oil companies. We are sick of sudden spikes, one-penny-difference “competition” and continual “Prices are going up!” gloom-and-doom on the news, presumably circulated by the oil companies. We hold the following truths to be self-evident.

• The Oil Companies will continue to maximize their profits at the expense of the rest of us.
• Most consumers have no effective choice when it comes to transportation.
• The Petrol industry is NOT operating according to free-market principles. The small number of Oil companies has led to an oligopoly.
• The Oil companies will suppress anything that threatens that oligopoly, including alternative technology that threatens their business model.
• The Oil Companies have acquired and buried patents and technologies that would have resulted in significant lowering of Petrol consumption.

We the people therefore recommend the following remedies.

• All Gas stations will be prohibited from changing their price more than once per day
• That daily change will be limited to five cents.
• Those who break this law will be required to refund ALL customers who purchased on that day, on request.
• Credit-card companies will be required to assist in providing said refunds.
• Oil companies will be given the choice of investing in new refineries and drilling for oil within the US, or paying a windfall tax to be set by Congress.
• This tax, alone with 25% of the taxes that are currently coming from Petrol, will be used to finance academic research into alternative fuels.
• The results of that research will be made freely available to all except the Oil companies, who will be prohibited from investing in or owning any alternative-fuel businesses, due to the inherent conflict of interest.
• Tax breaks will be made available to businesses offering alternative fuels and technologies.
• The building of new clean-burn coal-fired and/or Nuclear electric power stations.
• Research and investment into a viable inter-city and inter-state Public Railway system.

Well… that’s the best I can manage at short notice. The question is: do you have a better idea?

Now Reading: The Testament, by John Grisham

How to keep my business

It never ceases to amaze me how corporations will spend huge amounts of money to win new customers, but once they have your business they act like they are entitled to it, thus losing the most important marketing tool of all - word of mouth. Here are some of the ways that you can impress me.

• Don’t hide from me! Too many businesses have an attitude that can be summed up as “give-us-your-money-but-don’t-talk-to-us”. They bury phone numbers deep within their websites and hide contact info, perhaps in the hope that you won’t ever trouble them again.
• Pick up the phone! Part I : “Press 1 for the runaround, press two for a total waste of time. If you want to talk to a real person you are out of luck”
• Pick up the phone! Part II : Don’t tell me that “Call Volume is high” unless you are going to tell me when it is not high. Don’t tell me that “All of our operators/associates/peons/slaves are busy” unless you are going to tell me when they are not busy or will offer a callback. Both of those phrases mean the same thing: We do not employ enough people and we’re hoping you don’t notice.
• Indian Call Centers? Just Say NO! A lot of business farm out customer service and support to India. The first sign of this is when they pick up and give their name - and you know that’s not their real name. Think about it: the first thing that they tell you is a lie… and it usually goes downhill from there.
• Answer the question! When e-mailing, I don’t mind getting an auto-generated “we-got-your-message” reply, but I would appreciate it if the subsequent reply was read and replied to with something that was not spat out of a boilerplate-cut-and-paste machine.
• Share the love - and the paperless savings! “Going Paperless” may be and added convenience for me, but is a massive cost savings for you. So why not cut me in on those savings? A one-off $20 bonus - or $5 annually - should cover it.

Now reading: Me, myself and Bob, by Phil Vischer

Vote for me!

If I am elected President I promise to attempt the following:

• Repeal the 16th amendment, abolish the Federal Income Tax, and replace it with a 15% Purchase tax on goods.
• Abolish the Department of education, which costs taxpayers a billion dollars a year and educates nobody. Education belongs to the States and Counties - it is not the Federal Government’s job.
• Expand and fund the INS so that they can do their job properly. Policing our borders is our job.
• Bring our soldiers home - not right away, but soon - from the 130+ countries in which US Troops are currently stationed. They can’t all be vital to our national security, and we can no longer afford to be the world’s policeman.
• Quit meddling in the internal affairs of other countries - or, as Jefferson put it, “Free Trade with all, entangling alliances with none“
• Quit sending Tax dollars overseas - reduce the Foreign Aid budget to $0. If you want to help the poor and needy overseas, knock yourself out - you just don’t have the right to do it with OPM (Other People’s Money).
• Establish a trade policy of reciprocity. You tax our goods, we’ll tax yours. Fair?
• Balance our budget. We expect you to live on less than you make, it’s time we did the same.
• Allow anyone to opt out of Social Security, and refund their contributions. Again, this is not the Federal Government’s job - let the States take care of this.
• Establish a referendum on energy policy. Do we drill for oil, build refineries and power stations and have cheap energy, or do we protect the environment at the cost of dependence on foreign oil? Hint: You can’t have both.

Underwhelmed

Of all of the elections that have been held in recent years, the current Presidential election is the least impressive.

Why? Two reasons:

1. The Democrats seem to be dragging their party and the country into the mire by their inability to settle on a candidate. This ongoing cat-fight must end.
2. With a moderate Socialist, a Socialist, and a Hardline Socialist, the only real choice on the table is what brand of Socialism you prefer.

I think that the picture sums it up best:

If you vote for what you’ve always voted, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.

Don’t blame me - I don’t get a vote; and if I did I don’t think I would know what to do with it.

Now Reading: Freakonomics, by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt

Movie Review: “Flushed Away”

I’ve been a fan of Aardman Films since “Creature Comforts”, a series of claymation “shorts” that were used as advertisements for the London Electricity Board many years ago. I was a little less keen on “Wallace and Gromit” - the tales of the eccentric inventor and his insightful and intelligent canine sidekick - but that has more to do with Wallace being a “Bloody Northerner” than any lack of entertainment value. In any case, their last two claymation films, “Chicken Run” and “Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit” both have pride of place in my collection.

Their latest offering, “Flushed Away”, is a major break with tradition. Although the trademark cheesy grins are still ubiquitous, there is no “clay” to be seen anywhere - the whole thing is done using Computer-Generated Imagery (CGI) instead of the old-skool claymation that we all know and love.

The plot is both simple and labyrinthine. Roddy St. James (Hugh Jackman), an upper-class pet rat from Kensington, is flushed down the toilet into the underworld, where he finds a city inhabited by rats… and “The Toad” (Ian McKellen). “The Toad” has a hatred of rats, and is hatching a plot to wash the rats away during the World Cup Final (that’s Football - or Soccer, as the Americans insist on calling it). During the ensuing hilarity, Roddy meets Rita (Kate Winslet), the aforementioned Toad, along with his French cousin, Le Frog (shouldn’t that be La Frog?) and his henchfrogs.

Like “Chicken Run”, I suspect that this will have limited appeal to the American Market, partly because of the use of English accents and idioms which so confuse our Transatlantic cousins. I am not sure whether the inclusion of a couple of loud American tourists will help or hurt in this regard.

The quality of the CGI is good enough to suspend disbelief and simply enjoy the film. The voicing is very well done, particularly The Toad and Le Frog. Anything involving the henchfrogs (one of whom is a mime!) or the slugs (or are they leeches?) is hilarious. The level of detail is amazing - this is one of those movies where you have to stay alert - blink and you’ll miss something.

Favorite one-liners:

“Have you seen my Dad?” (It’ll be funny when you see it)

“Is it a bird?”
“Is it a Plane?”
“Is that guy wearing my underpants?”

“I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander”

“Pardon me, my fly’s undone”

“Any last requests?”
“Yes. Could you fly quite suddenly off the boat screaming like a girl?”

“You are becoming what we French call Le Fruitcake“

“You find my pain funny?”
“I find everyone’s pain funny but my own. I’m French!”

Le Frog: “Henchfrogs! We have a mission. Let nothing stand in our way. We leave immediately!”
Henchfrog: “What about Dinner?”
Le Frog: “We leave… in five hours.”

Le Frog: ok men, to action!”
Henchfrogs: “We Surrender!” (put hands up)
Le Frog: “No, not that one you idiots, the Kung-fu thing”

“These Brits don’t know the first thing about Football!”

“England is winning - anything’s possible!”

Verdict: Highly recommended.

Now Reading: C.S. Lewis: The Screwtape Letters

The new iPod Arrives

My trusty 4th-generation 40GB iPod, which I have had since last October, is on the verge of filling up. It is time to replace it with an 80GB model.

Progress is not always a good thing; the new 6th-generation iPod “Classic” has a sexy aluminum front, a slimmer body and a longer-lasting battery, but there were a few factors that made it not an option.

1. First of all, it required iTunes 7.4+. According to Apple’s support peeps, it will not play at all with earlier versions - not even in some kind of reduced functionality mode. The problem is that 7.4 requires Windows XP; I am not willing to upgrade a desktop Operating System just so I could run the latest iPod.
2. Secondly, I was not particularly fond of the new iPod GUI; I don’t care much for coverflow, and don’t like the new “two-lines-plus-cover-art” listing format.
3. Finally, and most importantly, Apple redesigned the case for the sixth-gens so that they cannot be opened by anyone except Apple. This means that if your iPod fails outside of warranty you have no choice but to send it to them - and forget hacking it…

Thank you, but… no. Luckily, Apple is selling Refurbished 5.5G 80GB models on its website at a very decent price, and I bought one from them last week.

Some people have an aversion to refurbished items - often with good reason. However, Apple’s refurbished iPods come in retail packaging with a full one-year factory warranty. I ordered one a few days ago, and it just arrived. Opening the package it is indistinguishable from new.

Once it has been cased it will be ready for active duty.

Proof that spammers have no brains

As well as being unable to spell the word “Viagra”, spammers seem to be lacking in the finer points of written English. Here are some of the more hilarious examples that I have received lately, along with my possible interpretations.

• Gain the enormous sensual vibe in your relationships - a Pontiac Vibe, perhaps?
• Your wife won’t recognize your “friend” - Who was that masked man?
• Show the world the giant you’ve been hiding - The monster in the cupboard, perhaps?
• Your enlarged package will satisfy her to no end - The UPS man will be pleased…
• Change your garden tool into a POWER DRILL - Of what use would that be in the garden?
• Be the Stallion you’ve always wanted to be - So you can feed me hay and keep me in the shed?
• Your woman will be astonished by your instrument - Nice Violin you’ve got there.
• Takke a vieew off malee heaalth reeform rebates - Duuuude, your keyboaaaard is broooken.
• Where adding a few inches could mean changing your life for the good. - Great! I’ve always wanted to be a bit taller.

Umm… what about the Cholesterol-free one?

This just in from the shoot-the-sloganeer department…

Words fail me. Evidently they fail them too.

Now reading: The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason