My favorite ‘Guy’ Movies

Looking back over this blog, it seems that I am getting far too serious. It’s time to lighten the mood a little.

So what is a “Guy Movie”? I once heard someone describe it as “…guns, bombs and Heather Locklear”. Shrewd, but missing the point. A Guy Movie is one that has all the elements that guys are interested in:

  • Conflict? Yes.
  • Heroes? Definitely.
  • Women crying? No, no, NO!
  • “Relationship” talk? Hell, no!
  • Romance? As little as possible – just enough to bring the womenfolk into the theater and keep them from leaving disgust.
  • Lots of memorable one-liners.

So here is my list. It is incomplete, but it is a start.

  • Gladiator: The king of Guy movies. Begins with lots of killing, ends with lots of killing, with lots of killing in between. Favorite quote: “Strength and Honor”
  • Apollo 13: A high-drama retelling of a true story with marvelous CGI (the Launch sequence was CGI, not NASA archived footage). You feel like you are in the capsule with three cold, desperate men as they go round the moon. Knowing how it ends does not seem to make any difference. Favorite quotes include “Failure is not an option” with the inevitable “Houston, we have a problem” coming in a close second.
  • Top Gun: What can I say? This movie has so many things wrong with it – Cheesy dialog, unrealistic video-game avionics, particularly bad acting, Tom “too-pretty-to-be-a-real-pilot ” Cruise, and Kelly “No-I-don’t-believe-she-has-a-PhD” McGillis, to name but a few – but it still comes up with the goods, thanks to the real star; the McDonnell-Douglas F-14 Tomcat . The flying sequences (first ten minutes, last ten minutes and a few short flying bits in between) are endlessly re-watchable, but most of the rest is fluff. Generally Favorite quotes: “I hate it when he does that”, and of course the excruciatingly unrealistic “I’ll hit the brakes, he’ll fly right by”. But the seminal “This is Maverick… remaining MIGs are bugging out and heading home.”, makes it all worth it.
  • Flight of the Intruder: “Top Gun” without Tom Cruise, the hot-dogging, and the “kissy bits”. Favorite quote: “Fighter pilots make movies. Bomber Pilots make History”. A great story, well told.
  • The Mask: I love this movie; Milady hates it. Jim Carrey plays… Jim Carrey. Favorite quote: “I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pate. I will dip my ladle in your Vichyssoise!”
  • James Bond movies (aka “gadgets, guns, explosions and buxom wenches with silly names”), particularly the Connery or Moore offerings, such as Thunderball, You Only Live Twice (“she is very sexiful, is she not?”), The man with the Golden Gun (“That’s what I call power!” “That’s what I call trouble), The Spy who Loved Me (“Let’s get these wet clothes off, shall we?”) and Moonraker (“I believe he is attempting re-entry, Sir!”). Daniel Craig may be a more plausible Secret Agent, but I don’t want “plausible”, I want “entertaining”.
  • Peter Sellers Pink Panther Movies (particularly “…strikes again” and “Return of…”). Please take those godawful Steve Martin abortions outside… and shoot them..
  • Honorable mention: Raise the Titanic – poor casting, wooden acting, great plot, absolutely brilliant soundtrack by John “James-Bond-Soaring-Strings” Barry.

Did I miss anything?

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