There has been a log of kerfuffle in the news of late regarding “The Spreadsheet Guy”. The story goes like this:
- Sexually-frustrated husband gets tired of repeated refusals of intimacy from his wife, so he compiles a spreadsheet showing all of her excuses over a period of X days.
- He then sends this spreadsheet to her when she is leaving on a business trip.
- He then goes radio-silent, ignoring her phone calls, emails etc.
- She then posts it on Reddit, presumably to get sympathy/hugs/validation of her position.
- The story goes viral.
Here is the spreadsheet:
Here is her initial post, gleaned from various sources.
“My husband [M26] sent me [F26] an immature, inflammatory email as I was driving to the airport for a 10-day work trip. Now he has cut contact.
Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate s*x since June 1st, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having s*x at that very moment. According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.
Witness the awesome power of female delusion
- Her general tone is condescending and dismissive. Or, as one astute commenter postulated, she was “acting throughout this thread as if she had nothing to do with any of this and in fact she dismisses it as ‘not a real issue’.”
- She somehow manages to accuse him of sarcasm even when he provides solid data to back up his position. If a woman had sent such a message to a man about being starved of emotion, connection, intimacy or cuddles, it would be called a “cry for help”. But since he’s a man, his motives must be impure, so it’s a “sarcastic diatribe”.
- She puts several words (excuses/document/attempts) in quotes, as if trying to discredit them without actually providing real data: “Even with the spreadsheet in front of her, she still seems to think that it’s made up or exaggerated. In her mind, she is not that bad, even when the proof is right in front of her.” (source)
- She fails to understand the basic truth – that men process stress as anger. And this looks like the work of an angry man.
My primary intention here is not to comment on the story so much as to comment on the comments. There were 500 in total before the thread was locked. Some were so t made me roll my eyes at the apparent stupidity of the writers. And most of those comments were variations of one of the following themes:
- “How could he do something like that?!” Simple answer: Desperation and anger – this has gone on long enough to be a deal-breaker; he’s ready to bail, and wants her to know why.
- “He has no right to expect sex from his wife!” So what, exactly, does “to have and to hold” mean? And how long must sexual deprivation continue before it becomes the passive-aggressive equivalent of infidelity?
- “He’s not entitled to sex” (Yes he is; see above). This translates loosely into “Even though they pledged sexual fidelity to one another for the rest of their lives, and even though sex is a central part of marriage and a fundamental human need, it’s his wife’s right to make a unilateral declaration of celibacy for both of them.” (source)
- Variations-on-a-theme of “Dude, she ain’t having sex with you because she is having sex with some other guy“. Prejudicial and Irrelevant, though eminently possible.
- “That’s not going to make her want you more.” Irrelevant. This was not an attempt to negotiate desire, he was obviously well past that point. For all we know, he may have already given up and moved out. This was an attempt to confront her with hard evidence that was undeniable… and yet, when confronted with the unpleasant truth, she somehow still managed to remain in denial.
- “He needs to man up/do more/help with the dishes“. This is a clear example of the female female delusion that helping with the household chores somehow makes a man more sexually attractive to his wife (it doesn’t, and there is at least one study which proves this). There is absolutely no evidence that he is not pulling his weight around the house. There is, however, ample evidence of her priorities. Work, Gym, and watching re-runs of “Friends” are apparently more important than keeping her husband sexually satisfied.
- “What an immature, passive-aggressive way for a man to behave towards his wife.” Prejudicial: assumes that this was the first attempt at communication. It could very well be that he raised the subject on any number of occasions, and she dismissed, delayed, avoided, or evaded, as so may women are wont to do with confronted with a difficult conversation.
I went through the comments, and counted the first thirty non-neutral ones; three were in her favor, the rest – about 90% – were supportive of the husband and exhorted her to get it together before what is left of their marriage goes down the tubes.
At around this time, possibly because of the firestorm of criticism she was receiving, she deleted her original post. Naah… must have been pure coincidence…
What we have here are a bunch of people making unprovable assumptions based on their personal viewpoints and vendettas. I suspect that of those who took sides, most women took her viewpoint, while most men took his. So, as an interesting diversion, let’s play “Flip the script“, and rewrite the story with the roles reversed as best I can.
- The uncommunicative, uncaring jerk of a husband puts everything before her (work, gym, golf, sports, entertainment)
- As a result, he is too busy/tired to meet her emotional needs, whatever they may be.
- As the aggrieved party, she posts a plaintive cry for attention on the Internet.
- Women show up from miles around to give her validation, cuddles and sympathy.
- He is widely castigated as a uncommunicative, uncaring jerk, as is anyone who agrees with him.
Yep, that looks about right…
What happens next?
As it is, things are not looking good; by sending out this spreadsheet, he has effectively carpet-bombed his marriage, and the situation will probably escalate into Global Thermonuclear War. By sending the message and then going Ninja, he is effectively saying “we’re done”… but then her posting it online for the world to see wasn’t exactly smart, either, and only helped his cause. What he did was not clever (though it might be argued that it was necessary); what she did was bloody stupid.
I suspect that she will return from her business trip full of righteous anger. She will most likely require and demand an abject apology from him. This he must not do; if he knuckles under, he is doomed; women are generally not attracted to weak men. The only way their marriage will survive is if he holds his ground while she rages and he remains unmoved by the inevitable temper tantrums and testing that will come his way. This is unlikely to happen, as a) he has a weak reputation that will take a long time to change and b) it will require her finding the humility to admit that she was wrong — and going by the content of her post, I’m not betting on that.
Personally, I think it’s time to stick a fork in this one, it’s most likely done.