Of Girls and Cars

Corvettes, Cadillacs, Classics and Clunkers – Ten ways that women are like cars.

The Italians have a proverb: “Women are the cars, men are the drivers“. Every man of consequence knows that there is much truth in this statement, but whenever a man compares women with cars, there is always some woman who gets all bent out of shape at the analogy. They usually say something like “OhMyGod! women are soooo much more important than cars!“. They may have a point; most men put more effort into buying a car than choosing a wife, but that doesn’t mean that the analogy is without merit. Any road up, I thought I would take this opportunity to contribute a few thoughts on the matter.

1. Men are the buyers. A great man once said that women are the gatekeepers of sex, while men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Think about the new-car showroom. In the front are the bright shiny sleek and svelte sports cars (usually dressed in red), And towards the back are the the less showy, less desirable, more reliable and more affordable family cars. Personally, I have never much liked SUVs, they are large gas-guzzlers, Maybe they are the fat chicks. I suppose the comparison goes only so far. Women love to dress up and present themselves to be chosen, but when it comes to commitment, it is the men who make the purchasing decision.
2. They are all the same…sort of: Cars come in all different shapes and sizes; they use different fuels and different technologies.  Even though cars are all different they all operate in pretty much the same way, from opening the door, starting the vehicle, steering, accelerating and braking. In the same way, women are running the same basic firmware, and are subject to the same temptations, pressures, and fears. And every one of them thinks that she is the exception.
3. New is *far* more valuable than used. New cars command a far higher price than used ones. Beauty is mostly youth; young women can command astronomical levels of attention, affection and commitment from men far more easily than their older sistren, who often have to fight just to get noticed. This is why older women are so quick to make snarky comments about younger women; they’re jealous.
4. The price is always negotiable. All women like to pretend that they are marriage material, but most are not; the most well-used of specimens still wants to believe that she will get to wear the white dress on the big day. A wise buyer will never pay full price for a used car.
5. Exotic/high-maintenance or affordable/reliable? Like cars, women require a certain amount of maintenance, expense, effort and investment. The opportunity cost of a wife can easily run into six figures. Like exotic supercars, the most desirable ones are temperamental and require high-maintenance, and only the best of men can afford them.
6. Heavy Depreciation: Female beauty depreciates heavily with age, misuse and abuse. Driving a car off the dealer lot requires a huge expenditure for something that loses a huge chunk of its value in a relatively short time. As a general rule, women have about twelve years of peak attractiveness, which explains the stampede to the altar as the big three-oh looms.
7. Classics are rare… Like cars, some women appreciate into classics, but 99% depreciate into junkers and clunkers and end up on the scrapheap. There are, of course, exceptions — but they are rare, and statistically speaking, she’s probably not one of ’em.
8. …but clunkers are common: These days, most are ex-rentals, well-used and oft-abused. And some have some “Junk in the trunk”. This is why quality men are encouraged to avoid single mothers like the proverbial plague (“once you have bred, you are of no use to me“), and single mothers often have to resort to shaming tactics (“it takes a real man to get with a single mom“) to get commitment that most of them do not deserve. Feminine beauty has a short shelf-life; remember: “The looks that drive men wild at sixteen are gone at thirty“.
9. Show me the HoFax! The best cars have had one driver from new. But it is far, far easier these days for a girl to ruin herself, and then hide the evidence (see Proverbs 30: 20), and these days, it that is the rule rather then the exception. So she will never tell you how many STDs she has had, how many abortions she has had, how many men she has slept with… and even if she does, the answer will never be trust worthy, because it is in her interest to lie. Napoleon Bonaparte reputedly said “Every woman is a whore except for my mother and my daughter“, so a good rule of thumb is to treat every girl with suspicion until she has proven otherwise. Gently used might be sufficient, but be diligent and ignore the salesman’s lies. And for heaven’s sake, stay away from the ex-rental that has a history of having been driven by a different random maniac every weekend.
10. Routine maintenance is essential. Both need to be driven hard and serviced regularly. With proper maintenance, they will hold up well and give you years of trouble-free service.

Full disclosure: I am the proud owner of a lovely little runner. Drove her off the factory floor, brand-spanking-new. I have been the only driver. Got a lot of miles on her, but they are all mine, and the upholstery is shaped to the exact contours of my bum. There are a few squeaks and rattles, but she handles well and knows all the corners. That’s what a classic looks like. I’m going to keep this one till the wheels fall off.

The Analogy Stands