Watch This!

All together now: “Smartwatch! HOOH!. What is it good for? Absolutely…” quite a lot, really.

Ever since I was a boy, I have always had a watch. My first was a Timex that I received as a Christmas present at the age of seven. For most of my life I have always sported one on my wrist. One of my most prized possessions is a gold watch that belonged to my father, who passed away some years ago. I wear it on special occasions.

A few years ago, When my last watch — an Accurist — died of old age, I stopped wearing a watch on a daily basis… coincidentally, just around the time when the first Apple Watch came out. I did not care much for the Apple Watch. It was big, it was bulky, it was expensive, and they seemed to be bringing out a new version every year, which was not very encouraging to those who had splashed out hundreds of dollars on something that became obsolescent before its first birthday. Besides, I have always had Android phones, and had no wish to mix devices that were designed to operate in different ecosystems.

One day I found someone selling a Gear S2 online. Turned out that this person was switching from Android to Apple and was thinking the same thing. Long story short, I picked up a gently-used Samsung Gear S2 smartwatch for a very reasonable price ($60, in case you were wondering). Since they were selling for more than 100, I figured that I could sell it if I didn’t like it and make a little profit. As it turned out, i needn’t have worried, as the device has found a place in my heart and my life.

Pass the Remote: The best way I can describe a smartwatch is as a write-mounted remote control for your phone. This particular one talks to an app that runs on the phone that allows you to load add-on apps and faces to the phone, as well as transferring screenshots and pictures to and from the phone. But it is so much more than that…

It’s a watch! It has taken me a while to get used to looking at my wrist when I want to know the time; to this day, I still occasionally pull out my phone. However, the watch has a huge variety of faces. Many can be installed to the watch, and a few of my favorites are shown below:

Some of the watch faces are even customizable, as you can see from the following examples:

It’s a Fitness Band! I’ve never been much of a fan of FitBits. Not because of anything inherently wrong with them, but because of the kind of people who tend to wear them. Like Starbucks Coffee, I have always associated them with the Trendy Hipster lifestyle. However, this watch allows me to track workouts (such as the occasional bike ride and even-more-occasional run). Which helps me explore the abyss between how much walking I think I did and how much I actually did.

It’s a sleep monitor! If worn all night, the phone can monitor your heart-rate and movement, and hence determine whether or not you are asleep, and whether your sleep is deep, light, or restless.

It’s an Egg Timer!

Yes, really. One of the built-in apps is a countdown timer that I have found useful on all sorts of occasions, from brewing tea to… timing eggs. This is perhaps my most-used feature as I am notoriously forgetful. It comes in especially useful when I am brewing tea.

It’s a Heart Rate Monitor! Of course, as part of its fitness tracking capabilities, it can also continuously monitor your heart rate.

It’s a text tickler! Another neat feature is that you can receive and reply to texts using the watch. This is particularly useful when in meetings, driving, or out and about in inclement weather where you cannot or do not want to take out your phone. The interface is too limited for complicated replies, but most of the time a simple reply is all you need.

Bottom line: perhaps the best sixty dollars I have ever spent.

Parental Controls Done Wrong

Or: Why Nintendo is not your friend

I have a Godson. He spends his summers with Her Ladyship and I. He is thirteen, and this year he arrived with a Nintendo Switch clutched lovingly in his hands. Hand-held gaming devices like this seem to come as factory standard equipment with every teen-aged boy (the girls all seem to want an iPhone and a boyfriend… but that’s another story).

Over the first few days he was here, he spent his every waking hour either playing Fortnite on his switch, or watching other people playing Fortnite on YouTube (oh, the ads! But that’s another story), while the switch was recharging.

I did a little research and found that a parental controls app was available for the switch, so I installed and set it up. And that’s where this cautionary tale begins.

First up, the philosophy of the app is all wrong. Instead of allowing parents to allocate screen time for good behavior, the app allows the parent to grant a daily limit that is fully available at the start of the day.

The practical application of this is that if you give your little “angel” three hours a day, then left to his own devices, he will burn through those three hours by 10AM… and be in an abominably foul mood for the rest of the day as he suffers from withdrawal symptoms. And this is precisely what happened until we discovered the “Suspend Software” option.

The “Suspend Software” setting is what actually allows the app to actually stop the Switch in its tracks. The default option for this setting is “OFF”, and this is just plain wrong, as this setting means that it does not disable the switch when the time is up. This is the equivalent of a “STOP” sign but with no cops around to enforce it; most of us will not stop… and neither will he, as he blows straight through the stop sign on his way to however many hours a day he wants. And he did. One day he racked up nearly nine hours before we realized what was happening. The default setting is effectively “Parental Advisement” or “Parental Control without control“. So make sure that you familiarize yourself with the “Suspend Software” setting and turn it ON.

For me, the real problem with this app is with its design philosophy: instead of rationing time out throughout the day, the this app is designed to deliver the whole allotment up front. This is analogous to the two models for “pocket money”: allowance, or commission.

• An allowance is given to a child irrespective of behavior, and leads to entitlement thinking.
• A commission is given dependent on behavior, demeanor and helpfulness.

Nintendo have gone with the “Allowance” model.,

The only way to implement the “commission” model of game time is to reset the time allowance to zero every morning. If you forget, there is nothing to prevent him from taking advantageous your forgetfulness, and that’s on you.

But there is another, more serious problem here:

You cannot set the daily allowance to zero!

The lowest amount is fifteen minutes. This means that there is no effective way to use this app to “ground” a rebellious or misbehaving child.

Another issue is that the communication between the parental control app is done through WiFi. This means that if a switch is out of the range of WiFi, parental control updates cannot be pushed to the device. It is my understanding that the switch features a version of Bluetooth that is deliberately made incompatible with open standards (to prevent non-Nintendo wireless products from being used); perhaps this should be extended to the app to prevent kids from avoiding updates.

I strongly suspect that Nintendo designed this app based on a focus group comprised of fifteen children and one adult.

Here’s a list of the changes I would make:

1. Allow the starting allotment to be set to zero.
2. Add a big red “You’re Grounded” button, which immediately stops a switch dead in its tracks.
3. Add buttons for “Add Time”, with 15/30/45/60 minute buttons to allocate time.
4. Implement a “please-please-please-please-five-minutes-more” button.

Until they do these things, or something like then, I have to assume that Nintendo is not your friend.

Eschew Obfuscation

I have always hated New Year’s Resolutions. Nobody I know ever keeps them.

Over the past few months, however, I have been thinking about what people say, and how they say it.

It seems that more and more, people are afraid to say what they are really thinking; all too often, we say something else to “be nice”

Enough Already

My new year’s Resolution is to Speak Plainly. To be direct and to the point. I’m done with Safe Spaces. I’m done with tiptoeing around the faint of heart.

From here on out, I will call things what they are and say what I mean. This may mean using unkind-but-true words like “Ugly” and “Fat”.

I know some people will get offended, but Confucius he say:

Now that’s a New Year’s Resolution I can keep.

Illusion, Delusion, and Disillusion

Or: “Ewwwww…”

Once in a while, you see a story in the news that makes you shake your head sadly and wonder what the writer was thinking — or smoking — when she wrote it. This is one such story.

Where have all the good men gone? These sassy, sophisticated, solvent women say they are struggling to find other halves that can measure up

The Daily Mail is no longer accepting commentary, I have decided to reprint the story in its entirety and add my commentary in-line. I wouldn’t normally do anything that extreme, but this article contains so many untruths, half-truths, and outright delusions that I felt it was necessary. As best I understand it, copying for the purpose of discussion and comment is legal, and is therefore not a copyright violation.

The title alone sets the tone. “measure up“? To whose standards? But on to the bye-lines:

• Five single women share why they’ve struggled to find men worth dating

Correction: Five middle-aged single women share why they’ve struggled to find men they believe to be worth dating. There. Fixed that for you.

• They ask if it is possible to find independent, attractive mid-life daters

Possible? Certainly. Probable? No. “Independent, attractive” men are rare beasts, and they are in astronomically high demand.

• One dating coach says there are seven women for every man aged 40-55

Correction: seven desperate single women for every eligible man aged 40-55.

So much for the bylines, now on to the purple prose…

At 48, Jane Townsend is beautiful, independent — and single. She keeps fit, takes great care of her appearance and is looking for a man who is active, in good shape, articulate and emotionally open.

Given her good looks and vivacious nature, eligible suitors must surely be beating a path to her door.

“Good looks?” “Vivacious nature?” Let us gaze upon the wonderfulness of this pulchritudinous creature…

Do you want to you have sex with this woman? Me neither.

Yet as Jane, from Sheffield, explains, it has been a struggle: ‘The men out there are delusional…

It’s Jane who is delusional. She is looking for a handsome, fit, charming man in his fifties – the mythical “Silver Fox”. trouble is, every woman her age is dreaming of bagging one of those, and there are plenty of younger ones who would love to bag him as well. As a result, any man over 50 who has a little money in his pockets and is in good physical shape can *easily* find a wife ten years younger, and probably fifteen — and if he is just interested in casual, commitment-free dating he can go all the way down to the early twenties. There are several websites out there for that. Looks to me like the poor dear has a bad case of DPS (Disney Princess Syndrome).

…I went out with a guy who lied about his age, saying he was 47 when he was 50…

Women lie about their ages all the time. But let a man do it and it’s suddenly a heinous crime. And why does that three years make such a difference? It’s not like he said he was thirty…

…who then had the gall to tell me he wanted a younger woman so he, as he put it, “could breed”.

What gall! How dare he! To be fair, that was a little crass, but at least he was up-front and direct about his requirements instead of lying, leading her on, or telling her what she wanted to hear…

‘After my divorce, I gave up my prime dating years to raise my two girls, expecting that when they left home, I’d have time left…

You made a choice; a noble, rational one. But choices have consequences. Didn’t anyone tell you that a woman’s attractiveness has a short shelf life? When they did, were you even listening?

…But there has been a shift and now the men aren’t there. Where I live it’s hard to find someone cultured unless they’re eating yoghurt, and the men my age all seem to be — well — more than a little overweight.’

Fair point; let’s take a look at the current crop of fifty-something men out there:

• Some are happily married and off the market (they don’t want you).
• Some are unhappily married and looking for a side piece (you don’t want them).
• Some are divorced and ruined (you won’t want them).
• Some are dating younger women (They won’t want you)
• Some are doing the Sugar Daddy thing (they definitely won’t want you).
• Some have given up entirely (you definitely won’t want them).
• Widowers (and widows) are the best bet for marriage.. but they are in short supply and are snapped up very quickly.
  
• Divorcees are a crap-shoot; nuggets of gold amid a whole lot of dross (good luck with that).
  

A divorced woman looking for a wealthy, in-shape, marriage-minded man in his fifties is like an overweight thirty-something-year-old plumber seriously expecting to hook up with a blonde, large-breasted cheerleader. Good luck with that.

Having been matchmaking single men and women for Femail’s Blind Date column for the past six months, I’d like to say Jane’s experiences are the exception…

If that is the exception, what is the rule?

…but what has struck me is just how many attractive women apply who seem to have so much going for them. They are in great physical shape, living full and interesting lives. Yet finding suitable men for them to date seems to be a heroic challenge.

“Attractive… so much going for them…” According to whom? Other women? It is written: “Ancient Egyptians worshiped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.” In the same way, women who have enjoyed incredible power in the dating market in their twenties are often the last to know when it that power is gone, never to return. The real problem is when they still think that they have the same sultry allure that drove men wild at ninteen, and have calibrated their expectations accordingly. Women in their fifties are at a considerable disadvantage.

This has left me wondering why a generation of single, sexy, solvent women just can’t find love.

Again with the gushy praise; enough already! To put it succinctly: men are attracted to youth and fertility. Always have been, always will be. Conversely, women are attracted to status and strength (physical/mental/emotional/financial). Always have been, always will be.

What immediately strikes female mid-life daters — of whom I am one — returning to the dating scene in later life after a marriage or long-term relationship, is the lack of single men.

What you actually mean is “The lack of single, handsome, healthy, wealthy, charming marriage-minded men”. Granny was right; young women have the pick of the men, older gals have to battle over the leavings. You should have listened to her.

According to Jo Hemmings, a behavioural psychologist and dating coach, there are an estimated seven new women for every man on the dating scene in the 40-55 age group, so availability is clearly a big issue.

This statistic seems sketchy. If each break-up puts one man and one woman back on the dating market, the numbers should be roughly equal. I suspect that we are seeing the Pareto principle in action: 80% of women are chasing the top 20% of men and ignoring the rest. When 80% of the women are chasing 20% of the men, the result can hardly fail to be anything else but a bloodbath.

‘I’ve had clients coming to me wondering: “Am I asking too much to find an attractive, independent, solvent guy of my age?” ’ she says.

Short answer: Yes. Longer answer: “You should have thought of that when you were 24”

As she explains, part of the issue is that when divorce strikes, men and women react in different ways.

Men’s relationships frequently overlap; they won’t leave one partner until they find another, so they are never really single.

ABSOLUTE RUBBISH. Three-quarters of divorces are initiated by the woman. In most cases, the man has no clue until she serves him with papers, leaves with the kids, or worse, has him thrown out of their house. (See #9 here). And in almost every case, she had everything planned in advance and had a “spare” lined up. This is borne out by reality as well as anecdote. Observe how many women “break up with (i.e., leave) their husbands and just happen to find a wonderful boyfriend “a few weeks later”.

…By contrast, women take longer to recover from a break-up. They often step out of the dating ring completely, sometimes for many years, to rebuild their lives or to focus on bringing up children.

Wrong again. Men commit suicide at nearly 5x the rate of women – up from 2x in 1982. And a leading cause of suicide among men over 40 is divorce. But women are always the victims, because women say they are — and data be damned.

‘When they return to dating, it’s really hard for them,’ says Jo. ‘There aren’t as many men because they have a wider pool. Men realise quite quickly that there are far fewer of them than there are women of a similar age. They then date much younger women, creating a huge void in the market.

Young pretty women run the game through their twenties. Because They Can. But after 30, men start to realize their value, the balance of power starts to shift.  After 40, men have all the power, so they can afford to be picky. And if they find themselves healthy, wealthy and single in their fifties, they will date the youngest, hottest girl they can find. Because They Can.

‘Traditionally women go for men who are their age or slightly older, so they are left wondering where all the men have gone.’

Not entirely true. Women prefer older men when they are young. But older women prefer younger men. When 48-year-old Jane found out that her 47-year-old date was actually 50, she was disappointed. Why is that?

When Jo coaches women on dating, she tells them to accept the reality. ‘It’s just a fact that there is a lack of available decent men,’ she says.

Definition of “Decent”, please? I’m guessing it looks a lot like: “Attractive, slender, tall, healthy, wealthy… stupid enough to think that he can’t do better than me.”

‘It’s tough when you’re looking for love. You have to realise that it’s not about you, it’s just a numbers game.’

It was always a numbers game. It was a numbers game when you were 18 and irresistible. What changed is that now, the numbers are not in your favor. And they never will be again.

But the numbers don’t tell the whole story. Men, indoctrinated over generations to pursue younger women, are instinctively reluctant to consider those of a similar age to their own, even ones who look youthful and attractive.

What utter crap. In every society that has ever existed, throughout all of known history, men have prized youth and fertility in women, while women have prized strength and wealth in men. It’s not “indoctrination”, it’s biology, you stupid cow. I think I just found the source of the problem.

It is something I regularly notice when I set up dates.

Men need to open their eyes to the amazing women in their own age bracket.

Amazing? Where? And why should they, if they can do better?

With the statistics against them, women are motivated to want to look after themselves and make the best of what they have…

What other choice do they have?

..while there is no incentive for the men to do the same.

There is plenty of incentive… to pursue younger, more attractive women. As a general rule, the amount of effort a man is willing to expend in the pursuit a woman is based on his perceived value of her. And younger women are perceived as being more valuable. That’s not “indoctrination”, it’s biology. But by the time most men reach their fifties, their libido is no longer in the driving seat, and many have come to the conclusion that the juice is no longer worth the squeeze. So they get fat and unfit because they just… don’t…. care.

Jo says: ‘This generation of men don’t bother to make the effort to represent themselves in an attractive way, even online. Or they just list what they don’t want in a woman and say nothing about themselves — because they can.’

Because. They. Can.

And those men who do make an effort are in a position to be very choosy.

BINGO! Just like the girls were back in their twenties.

Online dating coach Suzie Parkus, of meetyourmatch.club, observes: ‘A man who has aged well, has a good outlook on life, a joie de vivre about him and who has seemingly done well for himself is very attractive to his peers. However, for the most part he is drawn to younger, sexier, more vibrant models.

BINGO! And such a man has literally hundreds of women pursuing him.

‘It has a lot to do with his self-perception in terms of being able to choose who and what he wants in a partner because he has the right to, given that he is in high demand.’

BINGO!

While good-looking men can pick and choose, attractive women such as Jane effectively become the victims of their drive to remain active and youthful.

“Youthful”? Compared to what?

Women in the over-45 bracket are the biggest buyers of beauty products, accounting for 58 per cent of the market. Last year, the 45 to 54 age group spent an average of £2,238 a year on beauty products, up 4.1 per cent on previous years.

Women in that age group should be playing with their grandchildren and not spending thousands of pounds a year on makeup and lingerie. But that’s just my opinion…

Jane says: ‘Women see the writing on the wall and take a grip on their health and beauty, staying active, keeping abreast of current affairs, studying, keeping beautiful.

Yes, I‘ve already seen your definition of “Beautiful”… and I’m not impressed.

‘I go to gym classes (made up mostly of women), whereas men my age just think they don’t have to make the effort because there are always dozens of younger women who will go out with them.’

BINGO!

A woman who looks great, feels good about herself and is solvent and independent-minded won’t be drawn to a man who has let himself go, or who may be interested in her but is far too old. So these magnificent midlife daters fall into a void.

There is no “void”, they’re just too damn picky. Your self-image is irrelevant. Your wealth is irrelevant. Your independence is irrelevant. Your magnificence is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated…

And it’s not just about looks — there is a difference in mindset between the sexes too.

As Jane will attest, middle-aged and 50-plus men tend to be set in their ways, less adventurous and less youthful in outlook. They want someone to look after them, while their female counterparts are looking for someone to explore the world and have fun with.

And all middle-aged women are sexy, svelte and stylish. Classic Apex Fallacy thinking. Let’s cut the crap, shall we?

By age 50, most men have either achieved their dreams or given up trying. Too many of them have had the moxie beaten out of them by the world, the culture or a rapacious spouse who spent money faster than they can earn it. More often than not, they have been mauled by a divorce and don’t want to go through that again. They want a quiet, predictable, happy life in a tranquil home with a pleasant, caring, respectful, attractive and sexually adventurous partner. This is a bad time for either side to try to re-live their twenties. I wonder why these “beautiful”, “amazing” “magnificent” women think they can… Perhaps it is because friends, family and poor-quality journalists keep inflating their egos by telling them how wonderful they are and how “any man would be lucky to have you”.

Jane was told by one relationship coach that women her age should go for men 15 years older, making her current dating goal a man aged 63. This is even less appealing, as it is effectively a different generation — and one with very different aspirations. ‘I’ve cared for children and my parents, and I don’t want to care for a man again,’ says Jane, summing up the attitude of many in her situation.

‘Older men are so set in their ways, you almost feel more like a carer than a girlfriend.’

Then feel free to grow old alone. Nobody is listening.

Lucy Verner, 46, is another frustrated midlife dater who has been single since splitting from her husband seven years ago.

‘I found internet dating absolutely awful,’ she says. ‘I live in East Kent and it’s such a small pool. There are exceptions, but on the whole I found the men who made contact were older — and certainly looked older — than me.

So move!

‘Men of my age target younger women and I don’t fancy the older men, so it’s a real problem. I’ve stopped looking. Having to get back in the dating market, I focused on getting myself fit again. But many men don’t seem to make the same effort.

Translation: “WAAAH! The top men don’t want me and I’m FAR too good for the average ones”

‘Online you see selfie pictures they have taken of themselves half-naked in bathrooms or slouching on sofas. Where is the effort in that?

‘Very few men are happy to be by themselves, too. They lurch from one relationship to another, whereas middle-aged women are a lot stronger and more self-assured than they were in the last generation.

If you’re so strong and self-assured… why do you need a man?

‘I have two children and a career to manage and I’m forthright. I think men find women like me intimidating.

No, we find you annoying and irritating. If you’ve got it all going on, you don’t need us.

‘I want a strong, independent man. Why is that so hard?’

Because every other past-her-prime divorcee your age is chasing the same few men. And we all want to know the same thing: How/why did your marriage end?

Julia Van Der Wens is 54. She was just 19 years old when she got married, and was with her husband for more than 30 years before he left her 18 months ago.

Why did he leave her? Bring him on and let him tell his side of the story…

‘I was devastated, of course, but I made the decision to keep on living my life. I lost weight, started getting into sport and now I look and feel the best I’ve ever been.

Oh… so you got fat while you were married, and didn’t look your best for him? That might explain it.

‘The problem isn’t the men not liking me, but me not fancying them.

And there it is: the dictionary definition of “Entitlement”.

I want someone athletic, not pot-bellied. Most of the men I meet seem really unfit.

An athletic, single wealthy man in his fifties is probably dating college-age girls. And you are starting to sound like an entitled, nagging shrew.

‘I tried dating websites but two of the men I met were at least ten years older than their photo. Sometimes I think I’m never going to meet anyone.’

And women have never done anything as shallow as that! How many hours did you spend in makeover-land for the photo-shoot for this story?

Lesley Roberts, 52, was married in her 20s and divorced in her 30s. She did meet someone new, but they split up after a couple of years and she has now been single for two years.

“Split up”? If he left her, she would say so, because woman=victim. I’m going to assume that she left him. So she has a track record for breaking a sacred vow. Good to know.

‘Men my age are all up for a pipe and slippers life, and I’m not,’ she says. ‘When I got married my husband was six years older than me, but I wouldn’t take that age gap now because men aged 52 to 60 are boring. They just don’t have any oomph in them.

Nothing like a divorce to take the “oomph” out of a man. And you should know. Sounds like he dodged a bullet when you left him.

‘Once they get past 48 they seem to turn into Victor Meldrew, yet women are making an effort and looking great.

In whose opinion? Yours? Other women’s? Self-praise is no recommendation.

I just decided that I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. I was going grey, so I went blonde.

Fake it till you make it. Good luck with that.

‘At this stage of my life I need someone who is independent. I’ve set the bar now and I don’t want someone who needs looking after —unless he shows he can look after me first.’

How high is the bar? If no suitable men are interested, either lower it or get some cats.

Should middle-aged women just forget men of their own age and date younger ones? Some argue that this is the way forward.

 HAHAHAHAHA! Good luck with that.

‘Younger men are drawn to older women as much as older men are drawn to younger women.

Nice try, but… nope! Older men are drawn to younger women because of biology. The reverse is unnatural and likely a result of feminist “indoctrination”.

And this is not a new phenomenon,’ says Suzie Parkus. ‘They are drawn to the confidence and life experience of older women, especially those who don’t look their age.

‘This is something I have experienced at first hand, as well as being told it by younger guys when I was matchmaking.’

Did those “younger guys” propose? Didn’t think so.

Laura Hall agrees. Tall, slim and gorgeous, the 42-year-old redhead has been single since her divorce in 2011.

Looks like we’re worn out “beautiful” and have moved up to “gorgeous”. If she was really was “gorgeous”, why is she still “single”? Having said that, she is easily the best looking of the bunch. By an amazing coincidence, she is also the youngest.

Smart and sassy, Laura has a doctorate in physics and works as an optical engineer, yet she finds the dating sites full of men her age and older who just seem lazy.

We’re not lazy. We just don’t care. Your PhD and fabulous career does not impress the kind of man you are looking for. And the rest presumably do not think that your fabulousness is worth the effort.

‘I prefer younger men now because they are fun, whereas the older ones are boring,’ she says. ‘It’s not even an aesthetic thing but a character thing. I can’t stand the fact that older men really don’t know how to support themselves.

SO WHY ARE YOU HERE????

‘I think women have been raised to believe they are winning an amazing prize to get a man, who then has a sense of entitlement — so he puts in no effort whatsoever and always thinks he can get better.’

No. Women are the ones with the entitlement. It’s written all over this article. Entitlement is wanting something that you cannot get. And if he can get better, why shouldn’t he?

Yet for many women, dating a much younger man still comes with too much baggage — and again, the playing field is not a level one.

Jane Townsend says she is often approached by men in their 20s.

Approached for what? For sex? For marriage? For practice?

‘The last date I went on he was 23 — and he was interesting and articulate and we had lots in common. But society says I shouldn’t be dating men like him.

Date him all you want! Good luck to you. Honestly. But don’t be surprised when you find out that he married someone else and was only using you for practice and entertainment until something better came along.

‘I’m called a cougar — which makes me out to be predatory — yet it’s perfectly acceptable for men to go out with Barbies half their age.’

Once again, arguing with Biology. Already asked and answered.

I know from my experience of talking to women who write in for a blind date how many want a younger man because men of their own age just don’t appeal any more.

Unless men change their attitude to dating women of a similar age to them, and make more effort with their personal care (and most women accept this is unlikely), it is hard to see how the situation can change for these gorgeous women.

There’s that “gorgeous” again. Self-praise, and all that. If men are getting what they want, why should they change?

But Jo Hemmings says we can still take heart. Her advice is to go online frequently, make the approach, don’t rule out meeting people in real life and be as socially active as you can.

‘Knowledge is power, so get the determination to take charge,’ she says.

‘You’ve got to make the choice to be that one woman in seven. It’s tough but possible.’

So you’re betting your future happiness on seven-to-one odds? Good luck.

So… what can I say to help women over fifty? Here are a few rules of thumb:

1. Don’t divorce. A woman over 40 will find it very hard to find a husband. A divorced woman will find it twice as hard, as divorcees are statistically a bad bet for marriage. If you divorce, do so with the assumption that you will spend the rest of your life alone.
2. If a man does not want to have sex with you, he’s not going to approach you, let alone marry you.
3. You’re not eighteen anymore. From 18 to 30, women rule the dating world. They have youth and beauty. But what mother Nature giveth, Father Time taketh away… and they are usually the last ones to realize it.
4. Neither is he. While all this is going on, quality men have been banking wealth, building character, and gaining experience… all of which are incredibly attractive to women of all ages.
5. Stop choosing men who aren’t interested in you. Draw a Venn diagram with the men who are interested in you in one circle, the men you like in another. Choose from the intersection. If there is no intersection, raise your standards and lower your expectations.

Or get cats. Your choice

 To save you some pain, let me sum up the entire article in one sentence.

 “WAAAAH!! Middle-aged women complain bitterly that the men they want don’t want them”

Actually, that would have made for a far better and more accurate headline… but it wouldn’t have sold well to the ladies who will pay good money to be told what they desperately want to hear.

Thank you and goodnight

No Moore

Roger Moore died today.

When I was growing up, he was James Bond. Sean Connery may have been “Bond as I envisaged him“, according to Ian Fleming, but Roger Moore’s portrayal was… well, fun. His laconic demeanor and deadpan delivery informed my own sense of humour.

You know that you are getting old when the icons of your youth are dropping like flies. Freddie, Michael, Whitney, Madonna*, Prince, George… and now Roger.

 

 

 

*She’s still around? Guess there is no justice in the Universe.

If men *really* ruled the world

With tongue only partly in cheek…

• Most of the world’s shopping malls would go out of business.
• Hallmark wouldn’t exist.
• Every girl between sixteen and twenty-two would be required to wear miniskirts in public.
• From twenty-two to twenty-eight, they would be required to wear dresses.
• Throw pillows and cushions would be made illegal.
• Cats would be an endangered species.
• Dogs would be doubly tax-deductible, since they are both home Security devices and dependents.
• As a public health measure, overweight women would not be allowed in restaurants unless they worked there.
• They would also be banned from wearing yoga pants.
• “She won’t stop talking” would be grounds for divorce.
• So would a fractious mother-in-law.
• The 14th of February would be just another day.
• Superbowl Sunday and the 14th of March would be national holidays.
• Nagging would be considered as a form of domestic violence.
• No laundry hamper would ever have a lid.

The Farce A-weakens

I finally got around to seeing the latest episode of the Star Wars saga, Episode VII, The Force Awakens. Frankly, I  left feeling disappointed and underwhelmed.

To start with, the plot. Let me explain:

Kid from backwater desert world meets cute little droid containing secret plans, teams up with older man, and together they go looking for adventure, pursued by bad guy wearing a black mask (who betrayed his master and murdered the Jedi), who is obsessed with capturing said plans. Kid becomes aware of the Force, and inherits a lightsabre. Meanwhile, bad guys have completed a super-weapon capable of destroying a planet, and demonstrate it in action doing exactly that. Good guys attack said super-weapon with X-Wings, damage its weak point – some thermal wossname – and blow it to smithereens. The End.

Sound familiar? It should – it’s a straight ripoff of Episode IV!

The thing that bothered me most was Rey’s sudden mastery at all things: She was able to pick up the knack of flying the Millennium Falcon in just a few moments. To put this into perspective, Lando Calrissian, who had owned the Falcon before Han Solo, required a support crew during the attack on the second Death Star in Episode 6. Yes, Anakin Skywalker had superhuman reflexes and was the only human to podrace – but let us not forget that he *built* his podracer (along with C3PO), so one can safely assume that he was familiar with the mechanics of flying one – and even he made some massive screw-ups in Episode I that almost cost him the race.

But Rey’s expertise didn’t just end with flying; oh no…she was also able to master using a lightsabre in a matter of minutes, a task that took Luke Skywalker three whole movies – and the loss of his hand. But Rey not only fought like a dervish, but just the mention of the Force suddenly and mysteriously gave her the upper hand in the final climactic battle. I have read some accounts that there was a hidden feminist message here; that excellence takes diligence, discipline, duty and devotion – but only if you are a guy. If you are a girl, all you have to do is show up and be awesome. At the time, I was skeptical of this claim – I don’t like conspiracy theories – but now I’m not so sure…

And so to the actors:

• To her credit, Daisy Ridley was excellent as Rey, but the victim of poor scripting and directing.
• The black dude, however, was seriously unconvincing as the cowardly lion… er… stormtrooper, and it didn’t help that his nostrils reminded me of the wheel arches of a ’78 Trans Am.
• The Bad Guy General/Admiral looked like a kid trying on Daddy’s Uniform, and his “Hitler moment” (you’ll know it when you see it) is eye-rollingly pathetic.
• Han Solo stole the show, but the chain of coincidences that the screenwriters used to bring him into it was too bizarre to be believable.
• Leia did not look like Leia; Carrie Fisher has not aged well at all: her voice was an octave lower than it needed to be, and she reminded me more of Kate Mulgrew as Kathryn Janeway than General Leia Organa Solo.
• Kylo Ren was unconvincing. when he took off the mask, his voice went up an octave, and I almost laughed out loud at that ridiculous hair (was I the only one who thought he was Severus Snape’s younger brother?).

The Plot simply does not makes sense, and raises more questions than it answers. At the very beginning, we are told that Luke Skywalker has vanished. Why would he need to do that? Why would he hide from his own sister? And having done all that, why the heck would he then leave behind a map? And why are Jedi masters always running away? Both Yoda and Obi-Wan did it in earlier episodes, now Luke is doing it as well. It is beginning to look like some kind of Jedi tradition…

Why would his protege who turned to the Dark Side revere Darth Vader, when Luke – and therefore, presumably, the protege – must have known for a fact that he turned back to the Good side before he died. If Luke was supposed to bring balance to the force, why is the Dark Side still so tempting and terrifying? And if he was familiar with both sides of the force, why would his protege’s defection cause him to run away?

Why did Kylo Ren need to change his name – and if so, why not Darth Something? The need for a name change never really made sense. And while we’re on the subject of names, what fool came up with a stupid name like “Supreme Leader Snoke”? Sounds like a teddy-bear or an Ewok princeling than the most evil creature in the universe. And when did X-Wings acquire Hyperspace capability? I always thought that they were supposed to be “short-range snub fighters”.

Yes, the special effects were awesome, Yes, the scenery was stunning. Yes, the space/air battles were heart-stopping. Yes, the aliens were convincing – particularly those tentacled man-eating horrors that get loose aboard Han’s ship. And yes, there were a good few “AHA!” moments. But for sheer nonsensicality, this one ranks down there with Attack of the Clones. After seeing that one in the theater, I said “that was the best film that I have ever seen”, to which my wife sagely replied “No it wasn’t”. And she was right; my mind had been so thoroughly blown by the last thirty minutes that I had forgotten the glacial pace of the first half of the movie. And this one made me want to see Episode 2 again, cos it was better.

Finally, like “The Phantom Menace”, “The Force Awakens” is an exceptionally poor title. Here are some of my suggestions.

• The Force Hits Snooze
• Luke Skywalker Runs Away for No Adequately Explored Reason
• Oh No Another Bad Guy in a Black Mask
• Disney Does It Again
• J. J Abrams Has Fallen Over and Can’t Get Up.

Coming up in mid -2017: Star Wars VIII: The Quest For More Dollars.

Goodbye Old Friend

One of our favorite German restaurants is closing today.

We happened to stop in today for lunch, only to find that the place was bare, and the menu was limited, but the food was good.

According to our waitress, the removal of troops from Fort Knox was a blow from which they could not recover.

Goodbye Caroline’s Alpine Haus, you will be missed.

I’m back!

I haven’t posted in over a month. This is because I have been working on my first book.

The book is entitled “Assassin’s Creed: Pirates – Game Guide”, and is a distillation of everything that I have learned from playing this game for several months. There is a free version and a paid version ($4.99, but discounted to $1.99 for a limited time). You can find more information about it here.

Tell your friends!

More weird stuff coming soon.

Fat of the Land

Earlier this week, I walked over to a nearby eatery to get some breakfast. As I reached the door of the establishment, I noticed a couple of women coming up behind me. Being the chivalrous fellow that I am, I held the door open for them and let them go before me.

Big mistake. They made a beeline for the counter, then stopped and started chatting with each other about something inconsequential. Then they checked their phones while the sole cashier looked apologetically at me.

A couple of minutes went by while these two women – who happened to be white and somewhat large – yattered on about something-or-other and tried to make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. I knew what I wanted. The cashier smiled at me, I nodded back.

Finally I could bear it no longer. I turned on my heel and left. No fuss, no bother, I just walked out, thinking to myself that these women had no business being in a restaurant unless they worked there, given the extra poundage that they were carrying.

In entirely unrelated news, I just realized that this week was Fat Shaming Week. Who knew?